Episode:  San Fernandocal
Original Air Date:  1961/01/03
Guest Stars:  Mary Beth Hughes

“I was standing here applauding for myself. I thought we had another guest star,” I haven’t even watched the episode yet and I know this one is going to be a doozy already just because Red is loopy from rehearsals.

“I had to say ‘little button’ that way because they wouldn’t let me say, ‘belly button.’” I think I’ve heard the belly button joke from him before. Nope…this was as far as I got when I tried to watch this earlier. This is gonna be a doozy.

The theme of the monologue is doctors, medications, and pills. He’s pantomime someone taking medication. The sounds are silly - right up Red’s alley. Swallowing pills can be difficult. Aww, poor Red.

I wonder if Dean Martin zingers were as much a standard as the sketches?

Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!

Dancers time, at the local drug store pulling pills from the water cool. I didn’t realize they’re that old. Pills! Pills! Pills! For all of life’s problems. Nice satire.

Ahhh….I guess San Fernandocal found a magic brew. This ought to be entertaining

San Fernandocal Act I:

WOW! Zingers we couldn’t use today, “I’m sure glad Alaska’s become a state so we can use all this blubber now.”

“I say ‘loosely’ because that’s the way you’re built.”

And the laugh tracks are filling in the gaps. Niiiice, that’ll layering up Mary Bath Hughes - San’s assistant - layering up in winter coats. Looks like a scam is coming.

“What do you suggest?” asks the victim. Red breaks character for a second, “Ohhh, they’d just cut it out anyhow.” - Sensors are awesome.

Oh my goodness. Wow, I wouldn’t feel right quoting some of these other zingers. I remember this is 48 years old. Sometimes we forget how audacious “ma & pa” shows can be. This usually means a moral is coming.

First victim, patient, “Pullin’ your leg? I couldn’t lift it…” and the thunder keeps coming.

Ahhh, San Fernandocal is the super diet pill, “San Fernandocal is guaranteed. If you don’t loose the weight you get double your chins back.”

Here comes the scam. She doesn’t even drink the water the big cheater. She lost 55 lbs. in 20 seconds. The ladies are impressed.

Wow, $100 dollars a quart, “Well, it a lot less than it cost you to put on all that flab on you there.”

Red fills up the quart in the sink. Nice.

End of act 1.

San Fernandocal Act II:

Production is going crazy.

Uh, oh, the Food n Drug commission showed up. They discovered it is water.

Wait, is there a crime against selling water?

Crime syndicate gets wind of San Fernandocal and wants the action. Uh oh.

Oh, NO, don’t grab the moustache. A man can only stand so much torture.

Oh, NO, not the chest hair. Wait, what is that?

Oh, San gives up.

San told the mobsters the secret ingredient and they don’t believe him.

The mobster is gonna give it the 30 day test himself.

The mobsters are skinny, but so weak they can’t shoot San. San takes the bullets out for them.

“Just drink some more San Fernandocal. That’ll get the lead out.”

The Food n Drug found San n saved him.

San signs the deed n gives San Fernandocal over to the mobsters just in time.

Wow did Red botch the last line

Final Thoughts on San Fernandocal:

Red Skelton really went to town early on with the weight jokes. I was a tad bit surprised. You really can’t get away with it now. I guess that’s why he always pushed the envelope. Classic humor to boot. Now I know where these liquid diets got their ideas.

He also didn’t have to worry about cracking up the cast. They were already loopy, which is what made it so fun.

Episode: Cauliflower Loses His Birds
Original Air Date: 1962/06/26
Guest Stars: Vincent Price

Oooh, Vincent Price. Even 45 years ago Vincent looked scary.

“I came from a very tough neighborhood: anytime I showed my face all the kids would run…but they never caught me.”

He’s got zingers aplenty in this monologue.

OOOH, bringing back the pantomime about a prizefighter - the last-minute replacement fighters in prize fights. He’s conducting with grace. Doin’ all the characters…

And the starting bell. Ouch, I’d get a headache jerkin’ my head that much.. You’ll have to buy the collection to see it :-). It might be worth it just to see him fall.

Here come the performers singin’ n dancin’. “We love psychiatry…” a lot of Freudian based jokes about psychoanalysis and depression…Hypnosis is such a cool trick. I know that song they’re parodying. It’s gonna make me mad I can’t recall it …”some-thing to HOL-Ly-wood…” [As I was getting ready to publish it, the song came to me. No joke. It's Hooray for Hollywood - "Hooray for Hollywood / that screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood." - from the classic movie Hollywood Hotel.]

Cauliflower Loses His Birds Act I

Cauliflower sees birds everywhere. The shrink prepares for Cauliflower. Cauliflower comes in with a big container of birdseed, spreading it everywhere in the shrink’s office to feed the birds he sees.

“Give me your full name please?”
“Cauliflower B. McPugg,”
“What’s the ‘B stand for.”
“Broccoli.” Red’s answer brings about sardonic cheers from the crowd to which Red raises his hands in victory, “Believe it or not all day long and 2 days rehearsal and that’s the first time I got it right!”

It’s gonna be one of those shows. Cauliflower has been seein’ birds since his first professional fight - in 1947.

The shrink thinks the case is going to be tough. He leaves the room. Enter: Vincent Price in a safari outfit, carrying a net, and feedin’ birds. Him ‘n Cauliflower are looking at the birds together.

“You must come home and see my wife.”
“Oh, does she see birds?” - ask Cauliflower
“No, no, but it’s only fair. After all, I don’t see her crocodiles.”

Cut to a spooky house.
“Boy, I thought I’d never find this place. All these crack houses look alike.” - Cauliflower

Scary noises and loud howls echo through the home, “Well, if you like Pasadena you’ve got to get used to this stuff.” - Ziiing!!

Cauliflower sets on the throne n waits for Vincent. The arm of the chair picks up a goblet and hands Cauliflower a breath mint. Cauliflower tries to take another and the arm of the thrown hits him, “Well, I guess you’re right. It is kind of fattening.” Now the Throne is scratching Cauliflower. He’s in heaven.

Cauliflower is spooked. He runs for the door, opens it and runs into a brick wall. The throne gives him the ten count

Cauliflower Loses His Birds Act II

Red’s answer brings about sardonic cheers from the crowd.incent tries to tell him that the chair doesn’t move. The chair doesn’t move. Cauliflower tries to show Vincent that the door has a brick wall in it. He opens the door and the wall is gone.

Spooky Vincent Price mysteries…definitely worth watching. Vincent’s world and Red’s world plays well together.

Vincent Price doing the twist: timeless. “I told you how the body can carry on after the mind is completely gone.” Nice, Vincent and his wife broke character. Classic Red Skelton Show moment.

Cauliflower is meeting their lovely daughter Elizabeth - apparently Cauliflower can’t see invisible people.

Cauliflower went dancing with Elizabeth until Vincent told him he wasn’t dancing with Elizabeth. I think Elizabeth is leading.

Now Vincent is setting him up. Cauliflower n his wife ducked from the birds. Cauliflower doesn’t see birds. A celebration ensuces. Cauliflower’s doc n girl come out from hiding to celebrate.

“And you, not that I’m perfectly normal now I can get married.”
“Oh, isn’t that marvelous, Cauliflower?” asks his girl.
“Yes, yes. You can be my best man. C’mon, Elizabeth,” as he escorts Elizabeth through the door. Elizabeth walks through the brick wall and knocks out her silhouette.

This is the last show that goes 1/2 hour. They start to go a full hour.

Final Thoughts on Cauliflower Loses His Birds:

Red was in rare form, zinging left and right. It’s amazing how well Red’s zaniness and Price’s spookiness fit like hand n glove. A great classic episode.

Episode: Best Man Blues
Original Air Date: 1962/05/22
Gust Stars: Dick Foran & Maria Palmer

My first foray with Freddie the Freeloader. Ought to be interesting…

Red improved a Liz Taylor joke. Historical reference I don’t think I’m aware of.

“When I travel I go anywhere…I got by boat – well that’s if I’m on the ocean…” the downside of improvisation, “Well there’s a brilliant line there, idn’t it?”

I guess he finally did away with the pantomimes

The dancers are in flapper dresses – just the girls. They’re all girls. Singing about how a guy with money is where it’s at - “cash n carry / that’s the way to marry.” Nothin’ like an ironic intro to Freddie the Freeloader.

Best Man’s Blues Act 1

In a highrise. Not very Freeloader. Highrise uptown superficial women with luxurious accents. The groom-to-be’s best man is going to be…yeah. You guess’d-er.

“Do you have change for a hundred?” “Oh yes,” “Then you won’t need this nickel I was gonna give you.”

“My train’s a-comin’. I’ve got 2 minutes to get under it…”

Freddie at a fancy hotel for the wedding. Playin’ ’round with the bellboy and. Classic…

The millionaire, Freddie’s buddy, fired the bellboy for looking unkept – thanks to Freddie’s dirt.

Freddie’s unkept presence is makin’ everybody faint. Freddie’s having a field day with the props for it.

“I just said that I was Freddie the Freeloader the best man and everybody conked out.”

Even the millionaire conked out.

Niiice, even the statue faded.

“I don’t know what I got but if we can bottle it, ‘Goodnight, Khrushchev.’”

Commercial Break

Best Man’s Blues Act II

Sobbing bride. Bitter bridesmaid, “With principles like that I don’t know how you ever became a millionaire.”

Millionaire bends to bride’s will.

The air freshener is crazy.

The things Freddie can do with a fork.

Wow, it took forever for Red to crack someone. He got the bridesmaid by makin’ fun of her legs while picking up a pimento off the ground. Nice.

Of course, Freddie dropped the ring, now the cigar. That punch is no good.

“Don’t touch me doctor, I’m sterile.”

Is that why suit coats have tails…

Red can’t cut as fast as in rehearsals, “Run a commercial…”

Wow, that’s a lot of punch drinking. I couldn’t do that in my prime. Ahh, the glasses were filled…

“You have my finger in your glass.”
“How observant. You should have no trouble getting a driver’s license.”

He got the bride to crack again. Of course, she swallowed the ring.

She’s calling off the wedding if Freddie is the best man. And the gifts went off with her. Freeloaders!

Freddie’s allowed to live in the penthouse with the millionaire. He considers it until he hears about the bath…

Final thoughts on Best Man Blues.

Once again, I enjoyed it but I expect more aggressiveness. The first few I saw had a lot more banter amongst the actors. These last couple have been more polished. Still enjoyed it. Maybe I’m just sad that he never got Dick Foran to break character.

More tomorrow!

Episode:  Appleby’s Bearded Boarder
Original Air Date: 1962/03/06
Guest Stars: John Carradine, Marie Windsor

Show theme:  fake Indian Shieks - (maybe the Beatles should have seen this episode) - and their power of concentrations on things like dieting…

The monologue is diet themed. Hard to quote a pantomime, but it was fun watching him making fun of the diet scene at West Palm Beach.

The cast is singing about ’signs, signs, everywhere signs’ (but not that song). It’s this kind of choreography that makes me wonder if Danny Kaye ever guest starred on the Red Skelton Show and if he did, then whether or not he danced with the cast. That’d be worth the price of admission.

Ahh…song leads into the skit with the “Room for Rent” sign. And Appleby’s Bearded Boarder begins…

Red runs through the laundry list of items he picked up at the store for his wife and became dumbfounded at the cue card, “Cooking Vodka?” as if it was supposed to be cooking, “Sherry.” I don’t think Red had the heart to make an alcoholic joke out of the line.

“Now gimmie the rest of your paycheck.”

“Well how you have it? Heads or tails?”

Marie Windsor doesn’t break character despite Red’s attempts to crack her up. She plays a great bitter wife. She just rolls her eyes at him as she stays in character about how they need more income. Perfect domestic housewife stereotype (my apologies).

Her practicality has her decide that they should rent out the back bedroom. Red still can’t crack her. She’s good.

After the commercial break the scene cuts to the couple in the bed room.

“Ohh, I’m kinda sorry we’re shooting this show. The rehearsals were so much better.” - and with that Red line, he finally got Marie to crack. She was a tough nut to crack. There must be an inside joke I’m not privileged to.

Now he has fun with the censors, “This is what is known as the CBS honor system. Of course with that big Eye lookin’ at you, what can you do?”

“Oh, well. On to the funny stuff…”

Once the scene starts you see that the shot was zoomed in way to close for the snoring gags.

Persistent door ringer at 3am.

“Time is a fraud perpetrated on the human race by the manufacturers of wrist watches,” Yeah, George and the boarder will get along in that ying & sardine sort of way.

‘Towelhead’ jokes aplenty. Phrases you couldn’t say in today’s world.

“I couldn’t let him see me like this.”
“Well, I wish you would show me the same courtesy.” - wife and husband banter aplenty.

The boarder, of course, hasn’t paid and needs sundries every 5 minutes. Now he’s making phone calls to Calcutta.

The boarder has got the wife doing workouts. ‘Old hindu exercises.’

“That’s the first time I’ve seen him go out of character,” Red says of Carradine as Carradine struggles to get up from the exercise.

Now the wife is quoting the boarder.

Now, after a hard day’s work, his dinner consists of a lima bean.

Uh, oh, the boarder is a con man and is on the front page of the paper.

Nice, the producers start the end music and cut the scene short. The downside of waiting for the laugh. That steak must have been tough.

Red uses the con man’s getup and gets his dream…the episode was shot on the 50th Anniversary of the Girl Scouts.

Final Thoughts on Appleby’s Bearded Boarder:

Enjoyable. It wasn’t as aggressive as some of the other episodes I’ve seen. But in the same breath, I don’t know if they could use the them in today’s world. Not as many zingers either. And the sharp zingers are not PC by today’s times. But I enjoyed it.

Episode: Appleby’s Office Party
Original Air Date: 1961/12/26
Guest Star:  Marilyn Maxwell

Once again, I had to see who the guest star was…Ohh, dear. After getting a glimpse of Marilyn Maxwell and having seen the teaser clip, I have a good idea where this skit is going.

Wow, David Rose got to stand out for a moment and get a shot.

The theme of Appleby’s Office Party will be the office New Year’s Party.

“It’s also the time of year to find out you’ve been giving the wrong dictations to your secretary.” - Red holds his laughter in a second to make sure people got the joke.

“One department store I went to last year was so crowded that the lady in the back of me crashed my back and the lady in the front of me said, ‘thank you.’…and the lady on the floor said, ‘You’re welcome.’”

The dancers are doing a quasi-50’s new years eve ball dance. Still very much in Kennedy’s 1960s - the last remnants of the 1950s.

No pantomime skit. Just down to business..

George Appleby (Red) is trying to work during the office New Years Party. Uh, oh, threatening to report the drinking in the office.

Ouch, feedback on the ringing sound…

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to talk louder. They’re not making any noise in here,” Red laughs as he waits for the rest of the office to catch up to their missed cue.

First call to the wife (Marilyn Maxwell) - George makes it sound to his wife like girls are everywhere.

The staff wants get George, “high as a kite.” They’re gonna use hypnosis to make George think he’s drunk. Now every time George gets tapped, he thinks he’s drunk. He gets tapped again or hears, “wife,” he sobers up. And the fun is beginning…

Second call from wife - The hypnotist touches taps him again time to sober him up:

Red’s just going to town with the drunkeness. The office enjoys it at poor George Appleby’s expense.

Back from what would be the commercial break - George’s wife is home and madder than the devil. George stumbles home, still hypnotized n ‘drunk.’ Red is blending his skills of pantomime, physical comedy and magic beautifully.

“I’m wearing somebody else’s feet.”

A neighbor shakes his hand and snaps him out of it.

Wife goes to town on George - with iron bookends. Somehow George didn’t get drunk again (the bookends must have canceled each other out since she hit him with both of them at the same time). He’s cracking up the mad wife and she’s having trouble staying “mad” at him.

She lost it and starts laughing while trying to hide - “I’m proud of that one,” claims Red. “Of course, if anything happens before now and the first of the year we can edit.”

She pats him on the shoulder before she goes and gets ready for their dinner with the boss. Of course, now he’s drunk. Poor furniture props.

And, of course, he’s ‘drunk’ when his boss comes by. The boss says “wife,” and George sobers up. Red’s switching up the script to crack up the boss.

The boss gives George a cigar. George enjoys the scent, “M’mmm. They must have caught Castro.”

Final Thoughts on Appleby’s Office Party -

Red Skelton’s skill set reminds me a little of John Belushi. Joh was such a great conductor of a skit and could keep orchestrating the elements of the scene under most any situation. Both Red and John’s ability to keep in character while ad-libbing lines in attempts to get the co-stars laugh is the my favorite reason to watch these shows. The Red Skelton Show is getting addicting.

More to come next week!